Will Arnett Answers the Maria Bamford Questionnaire

“Everybody here is Crazy. We’re All Maxing Each Other Insane. We All Need to Go For a Walk. It Like We’re at One Big Thanksgiving Dinner, and All of us Need to Go For A Walk!”
Photo-illustration: Vulture; Photo: Getty Images

The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a Series of 25 Questions Designed by the Beloved Comedian to the UNEART SURPRISIS TRYTHS ABOUT ITS REPONDENTS. In this edition, you’ll learn about will arnett, the actor, chomedian, and Smartless podcaster Best Known for Playing iconic Role Like Gob Bluth in Arrested Development and Bojack Horseman in the eponymous animated series. He Co-Wrote and Stars in the Bradley Cooper-Directed Is this thing on?, Which Premieres October 10 at the New York Film Festival.

I don’t generaly eat anything before, but, stupidly, i’ll usually drink sparkling water.

It would have no political bent. It wouldn’t tel people what to do. It would be much more focused on people loving each other and more about People Connecting with Each Other in A Real Way and Being Kind to Each Other.

I can wish list this, huh? I’m going to start manifesting in real time. Obiviously, My Friends at Loro Piana, Rolex… Listen, I have Very Highfalutin Taste. In a Very Selfish, Self-Selfing Way, It Wold Be Those Things. What Else? My Friends Over at Netjets, Let’s Say. All the Most High-Roller Nice Things, you know? Why Not Reach for the Stars?

I do think that of have one. Maybe – this is going to sound corn – not being love?

A tear. I Feel Like I Finally, at 55 years old, have a better understanding of who i am and who want to be than ever before. I’ve the most enlightening spiritual experience in the last year. I’m just much more comfortable with who i am today. That Comfort came through exploration, Willingness, and Surrendering Old Ideas About Who I AM, and it is allowed a lot of stuff to come into my life. It ‘Allowed love to come into my life in a real way. That comes through self-reflection, it coma through love of my kids, it comes through all these are. I do’t know if People around with could tel or swimming, but i think i will get that back from my friends. I’ve let a lot of stuff go in the last year. Of belive that something bigger is playing out in the universe at all timees, and i feed much more connected to that.

You mean quite literally the last thing i just read? I JUST GOT AN EMAIL FROM WRANGler: “25 Percent off Denim Plus Free Shipping Ends Soon.” That at the top of my inbox. SO, by the way, get on that.

What Text Message Did i Get? Let’s See. One of My Sons JUST SAID TO MY EX-WIFE AND ME, “Can You Guys Send Me Yearbook Photos? I Think they Sent.” I’m Also Reading Beautiful World, Where Are Youby Sally Rooney. IT’S SO Good! I’ve HAD A SLOWER BOOK YEAR THAN LAST YEAR. In 2024, i Read 26 Books, and This Year i Think I’m Only at Six. Its just been a bit busier this year, and i was working a lot, so it was toggh at the read gcause i was just too.

I’m going to tell you right now. Don’t go anywhere. (Scrolling on Computer.) I want to get it right so BAD. Where did i get it? This is so not Worth it. Come on, Internet! You claim to be so good! Oh! I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE THIS BOOK BY CARL JUNG, but you know what it was? It was a use Copy of Christiane F: Autobiography of a Girl of the Streets and Hero Addict. Remember that Movie, Christian F.? David Bowie Did The Music, and He’s Actually in It, About these Street Kids and Hero Addicts in West Berlin? Anyway, Do you used Copy of that book.

Probably a friend of mine, Mike. We had a difference of opinion. I get people have a difference of opinion on whats subject, but if you’f you’re not willing to entertain the other person to where the other is coming from and who is that the formed that ophinion, wen we’re fucked. Nor i said that, i was like, Jesus. Playing out in the Macro Much?

Here’s The Other Thing: i tried to come from the high road. My Buddy, Jimmy Vallely, Used to Always Call it “The High-Road Handshake” when you come from way above. I have to be careful when i think i’m right to not be too strides. So be i say that, have to apply that to mySelf.

Despair.

Yeah, have a lot. I am, Beyond My Wildest Dreams, Wealthy with Friends. Truly. Next to being a parent and finding love, it all up there are in that it was setgory that above anything else sort of worldly. I have really great friends who love and who love me, and for that I am incredibly grateful. That Word Gets Thrown Around a Lot, but it’s true. I Feel Very fortunate in that way.

Break Bourne Identity Movies, and i want to be the guy who finally beats Jason Bourne, SO I COULD FIGHT MATT. But if this is a real postibyl, you’ve got to give me some time. I’m 55, so is it going to take with a little bit longer to get in that kind of Bourne Shape. I’ll fake it, too. I’m not avers to a body Double. I want to do one of the things where my character has to sprint for likes a quarter-Mile-full sprint-with a weapon, but not breaking a sweat, you know what i mean? The Eyes Stay Completely Focused; He’s the Barely Breating. And thatn he gets to the thing, and he’s still not the huffing and puffing at all. That’s the guy of want to be.

Of Hear MySelf Saying “Uhhh” or “Um,” and i’d love to cut that out. It’s a real sign of weakness. I Find it – Not in Other People, Just in MySelf – Despicable.

One of My Kids, probably. I think Maybe a lot of parses think this about their kids, but my kids have great outlooks on life. They’re Pretty Positive, and They Come Up With Interesting Ideas and Thoughts Out of Left Field All the Time, and Sometimes i’m Like, How did you get to that? I’d love to know what that that process was. I know i probably should Say “einstein” or something like that, but i don’t want to be mired in some fucking avalanche of numbers and aquations. That Wold be maddening and, frankly, boring.

Indulging in ice cream and hot fudge twice in three days. That’s a true story. I Allowed MySelf One; I’m very discipined in that way. THEN, LAST NIGHT, AT A FRIEND’S DINNER, They Brought out like the different Kinds of Ice Cream on a traity and a sort of gravy boat with hot fold. And they put it in front of me, which I though was rude, insinuating that to be only one who wand it. And i fucking went crazy, and i woke up this morning feeds a Major Sugar Hangover. I had to remind myself that it was delicious. But i’m Feeling it Today.

The ability to let Other family members’ Remarks Roll off their back. I think that, for too, i would let my historical experience shape my reaction to stuff, and i will see other family have the ability to move past, where i’ll let it buttons. I’d love to be able to disconnect the buttons.

I start off Quite blond when i was little, then brown. THERE WHAS A MOMENT WHERE IT IT WAS DYED A LITTLE BITTLE AGAIN FOR A COUPLE YEARS. It starts out for a job, then i think i probably fudged it for a couple years and convinced mySelf i was still doing it for a job, but i was really. I really lookeed dumb. Really Just Two, of Guess.

Portugal. I’ve been spending a little bit of time there, and i love Portugal. It is a Beautiful Country, and the People Are Amazing. I love their approach to life. Eight though they’re portuguese, you can Still Apply the French Term Joie de Vivre that they seem to have. They Appreciate Family. You go overe, and you’re reminded when you walk around and talc to people: Everybody’s Not Crazy Like they are here! Everybody here is Crazy. We’re all making each other insane. We all need to go for a walk. Its like we’re at one big thanksgiving dinner, and all of us need to go outside and go for a walk!

Patience. I remember this friend of mine told me she has a disagreement with someone Else, someone she was working with. She calmed her fate and said, “I don’t know if i can work with persons they’re so tough to work with, and they’re so disagreeable.” And HER FATHER SAID TO HER, “How Will You Ever Learn Patience If You Don’t Have Someone to Teach You?” I was like, Whoa. That story has stuck with me for 15 years, and i try to, be i can – and some days, i’m better than others – remember that when i’m dealing with people, the idea that they’e’re your guru or what you can: Okay, They’re Teaching with Patience.

Nothing. And yes.

That’s quasi-true. I haven’t have anything other than coffee this morning, gcause i went to the dentist. JUST GOT A LITTLE CLEAN. Yesterday, I can tell you that i had About four Scrambled EGGS with some bacon. That’s Much More of a Weekend Breakfast. But Morenings, my regular breakfast is a banana, which I eat in parts, and i scoop out peanut butter with a spoon onto the banana.

(Laughs.) Other than that Question? That’s a hilarious question. I don’t know. I Find so Much Stuff funny. I know that that seers like a cop-out. Maybe i’m stalling.

I think it funny that we all act like we’re not going to die. That’s been occurring to me a little bit more lately. Everybody Acts Like they’re Going to Live Forever. We’re all Holding on to and Protecting Something Instead of Letting Go.

Elon Musk is profoundly unfunny. Especialy when he tries to be funny.

Group Connection Between People.

Being purposelly unkind and hasing a disregard for those who don’t have the advantages you have and ignoring that or being blind to that. Or a swimming being blind – what’s more cynical is knowing that exists and continuing to punch down. I find that to be particularly grotesque.

$ 19 billion.

Gangland Murder, Execution style.

Jk. What is my Most Likely Cause of Death? Old Age.