I Became an Empty Nester and Was Hit With Intense Grief

When i dropped my son off at College for HIS Freshman YearI was wounded with Questions: Will and Make Friends? Will he get his homework in on Time? Will He Get Caught Texting During Class?

I was then forced to return home to the proverbial Empty Nest. The Adjustment Quickly Became a Complicated Mix of Sadness and Excitement, Anxiety and Pride, and that Feeling in My Gut That Will Never Be the Same.

But my empty nest triggered something Bigger in me. Bringing my 18-YEAR-OLDEthan, to College Opened a Pandora’s Box I didn’t know I was Carrying.

It was a box i’d been holding on to since my other sonJake, Died 13 years before.

I struggled to adapt to my new empty nest

While Ethan was acclimating to being a freimran, I was back home grapping with a host of feelings that we are new, and yet eerily familiar.

I cried every time I Walked past Ethan’s Bedroom and Saw It Clean and Neat – a Sure Sign That He was No Longer Living with us. I made huge dinners for my husband and me SINCE I WASN’T SURE How to Cook for just the two of us. I Still Bought All of Ethan’s Favorite snacks Only to have me Remain unopened.

I just missed Him. At Times, I Found MySelf Struggling to Breathe.

My Feelings of Grief Returned

I was Also Sometimes Unable to Differentiate BetWeen Ethan’s Departure and Jake’s Death. Mythical logical brain Knew they were different, but my heart didn’t. Eventually, all of these feelings rose to the surface and bunne my pandora’s box, Leaving Shards every. I found slivers everywre for months after.

Ironically, i’d always prided mySelf on the being very attuned to my grief about jake. I OFTEN VISITED HIS GRAPSIDE, REFERSHING HIS FLOWERS AND Bringing Him Trinkets from Our Travels. I Brought Him Balloons and Other Silly Things on His Birthdays. I have started a foundation in his memory to give with an outlet to talc About Him. But be ethan went to school and i felt that void in my house and in my heart, realized that of Never really Dealt with the loss of Jake.

When he first died, I cried unil i was raw for weeks, but eventually those tears dried up, and life continued. I say that was the process: i grieved, and then i was done.

But once Ethan Left, The Pain Came Back, and it was worse than Remembered. It took me some time to connect that the pain was related to Jake’s Death. Slowly, I became reacquainted with my grief, and i let myself spend the time with it i hadnn’t before. I began to understand that grief isn’t linear. It ‘s more like a pinball bouncing around for the remerinder of your time on Earth.

Oddly Enough, This Big Grief Epiphany came to me on the 13th anniversary of Jake’s Death, and i dealt with it by Writing Him a Letter. This is part of what i wrote:

“Getting uses to the house with your brother nearly broke with. I could help but compare it to your leaving. with this crazy hole in my Heart and had to train myself to realize it was different. “

I’m learning to live with grief and joy

Grief isn’t always negative and dark, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Dark Days exist, but for me, The Sadness Makes with Love Harder and Appreciate Life More than Ever Before.

This new version of me is empowered by my grief, almost like it ‘my superpower. I’m no longer self-conscious About Talking out Loud to Jake. While I know it just a name, I Feel a deep-Rooted sense of Joy and Comfort I Meet Other “Jakes.”

Ling Jake Remains a Huge Part of Who I AM. I JUST BRAND ETHAN TO SCHOOL FOR HIS JUNIOR YEAR, and Pandora’s Box is no longer with me. Instead, it’s a gift that allows with to remiin connected to bot of my boys and feel secure that ours relationships can and Will Continue to Evolve. And for that, i’m eternally grateful.