I Was Living My Dream as a Stay-at-Home Mom—Then My Husband Filed for Divorce – ryan

If there’s anything I’m certain of—other than my love for my babies and my faith in God—it’s that I can never be too sure of too much else. Life changes course as fast as the seasons, and the season I’m in is here to remind me of that. One minute, I was living my dream as a stay-at-home mom; the next, my husband filed for divorce.

While I knew he wasn’t happy (and, quite frankly, I hadn’t been in a very long time, either) I still felt completely blindsided by his decision. Just a month or so before, we were talking about meeting with yet another marriage counselor in a last-ditch attempt to get things back on track. About the fact that I didn’t feel as though I was ready to be done having babies. About our next family vacation (to Disney World in December, which of course won’t be happening anymore). Just a month or so before, everything felt normal. And okay.

Now, a few months later, here I am typing this out as I fight to hold back tears. For the first couple of months following the heart-wrenching news, I cried for hours and hours a day (something that is very hard to find time to do when you’ve got to be on for two tiny humans 24/7). I cried after my babies fell asleep at night as they lay in my arms, one on each side. I cried from the front seat of my car as they dozed off in the back, having taken advantage of one too many car naps. I cried in my room as they played unknowingly in the other. Being human, I cried in front of them at times too.

You see, nobody ever expects this to happen to them. I, for one, didn’t take my vows lightly. At all. I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a devoted one. I poured my heart into making our house a home, supporting my husband in his progressing career, and ensuring a happy, well-rounded childhood for our children. I especially poured my heart into mothering our children.

Of course, I still try my best to do that, but in this season of life, it can be really hard to be the mom I wish I could be. The mom I know they deserve. Because in this season of life, so much is uncertain. I have my babies and I have God (and, thankfully, some really wonderful people in my corner), but there’s no doubt about it: I’m walking through the darkness. It’s so hard to be a light when you’re walking a dark and painful road.

In what felt like the blink of an eye, the portrait of my daily life went from living in the moment with my precious children—frequenting the library, going out for ice cream, and just being in the moment—to fighting to be present. To researching apartments and jobs and constantly wondering how in the world I’m going to pull all this off for the three of us. Because when you’re a stay-at-home mom, you don’t ever think you’ll have to worry about figuring out the logistics of building a whole new life on your own. Until you’re met with the harsh reality of divorce and have no other choice but to.

At times, I can hardly breathe when I think about walking away from this house I made a home. The one I’ve poured my heart and soul into day in and day out, working tirelessly to make it a magical safe haven for my kiddos on holiday mornings and birthdays and everything in between. These days, as I lay in the dim nightlight glow of my three year old’s boutique-like bedroom as she drifts off to sleep, I fight to hold back tears. Sometimes, I just let them flow. It hurts knowing our days (and nights) snuggling up in that cozy corner are coming to a close. I don’t know what the future holds for our living situation. For the sake of my babies, I can only pray that I’ll somehow make it just as much a home.

Then there’s the job situation. I’ve been out of the traditional workforce for more than three years. I’ve considered my full-time (and then some) job to be caring for my babies. When you’re a stay-at-home mom, the thought of not getting to be the one home with your babies around the clock is heartbreaking. While friends lovingly assure me some time to do my own thing might be good for me, I can’t help but sit in despair over the fact that our world will be changing . . . a lot. All I’ve ever wanted to do is spend every waking moment of these fleeting years with my babies.

I never envisioned myself getting divorced, let alone at 33 with two very young children counting on me. I never imagined walking this journey alone. I never imagined having to plan for a life that looks quite a bit different from the one I always dreamed of. I never expected any of this, but such is life.

I was living my dream as a stay-at-home mom, and then, my husband filed for divorce. He wanted different things than I did. If I’m being honest? I never asked for any of this. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. For now, I’m clinging to my babies and God, trusting we’re going to be okay. The fact that I have them? I just know we’ll be okay.