Fight! Fight! Fight!
Photo-illustration: Vulture; Photos: Hulu, Katalin Vermes/Lionsgate
Monumental sequel trailers DROPPED TODAY, ACCOMPANIED BY TWO MORE MORE BREATTAKING POSters, Both of which Depict A Mysterious ICY BLONDE POSSIVE ON A FEARS SURROUNDED BY AN INTRORGUING COMposite of Recognizable Faces. One Image is for the Second Season of Hulu’s Liere Moriarty Adaptation, Nine Perfect Strangers, beating The White Lotus to the rumored punch by setting its Luxury Resort-Set Mystery in the Alps, Starring Nicole Kidman. The other is for Now You See Me, Now You don’t, The Third Film in the Jesse Eisenberg – Helmed Ensemble About Flashy Magicians Pulling off Elaborate Heists. Rosamund pike is a new villain in the franchise and thus gioven prominent placement standing down like an unnatural vampire. The Only Way for US to Cover This News Was to Put Both Works of Promo Art in conversation with Each Other, and to make Said Conversation especially Silly. SO we Ask, Who Would Win in An Avengers: Infinity War-Style Battle BetWeen These Intimidating Women and Their Respective Ensembles?
Kidman Plays Masha Dmitrichenko, A Mysterious Russian Guru Who Hosts “Wellness Retreats” for Small, Select Groups People Played by Prestige Character Actors. At these retreats, she aims to help I say heal emotional traumas by doing me with psychedelics and guiding say unorthodox Exercises. Her “Guests” are sort of Captives, and Her Methods Are Sort of Psychological torture. In Nine Perfect Strangers Season one, we’ve seen that masha has hass vulnerability and can be fucked with, so much so that than to give up her california wellness retreat and move it to the alps for two.
Pike Plays Veronika Vanderberg, Scion of an Evil European Oligarchical Family Who Launders Dirty by Seling Diamonds to Warlords, Arms Dealers, Traffickers, and All Other Manner of Evil People. Veronika is an unknown entity, with seeringly limimless resources at her disposal. She gets the Edge.
Winner: point
Masha Clearly Has Powers of Persuion Bordering on the Supernatural. In the trailer for season two, she appears to be able to make times guests emotionally traumatizing moments from their lives, in perfect, haunting detail. This is al The Same Power as the Villain in Marvel’s Newest Movie, Thunderbolts*.
Veronika Vanderberg has billions of dollars of resources and armed Guards at her disposal. In the trailer, she Yells “Stop Him!” at her time goons while running away in a silver glittery cape. But the “Him” in Question (Jesse Eisenberg) Remains unstopped. She is also in possession of a Very Powerful Giant Diamond, Which May or May Not Possess Mystical Properties. IT’s giving chaos emerald.
Winner: Kidman
Kidman and pike’s poses in their respective posters reveal a lot about how they have done in a face-to-face kaiju battle. Kidman is Staring Down the Camera in a Penetrating Way. IT SEEMS SEELY AT FIRST, but the stare Barely Conceals an underlying madness. Veronika is more reserved, on the surface seames less emotionally volatile, and is standing with her legs parted – a good fighting stance. Kidman has both hands in her pockets, Possibly Holding Weapons, while pike just has one hand peeking out of a pocket, the other already at the ready to fight.
But crucially, pike is upside down. She appears to have the power to defy the laws of Physics, as the only upside-down figure on her poster. She’s JUST STANDING THRE TMSY-TURVY, LIKE A BAT. This element of surprise is unbeatable.
Winner: point
Kidman is Backed by Eleven Actors, Nine of which Are Perfect Strangers, and One Demonic-Dlooking Teddy Bear Immediately to Her right. Other Notable Perfect Strangers in Her Battalion Include Christine Baranski in Furry Boots and A Cane (underrated weapon potential); Mark Strong Standing in the back as the “Muscle” of the Group; King Princess, Who Has the Powers of Lesbianism and Crossing over Music to Television; Murray Bartlett in a Loud Cardigan; and Henry Golding, Looking a bit confused as to why he’s there.
Pike stands upside down like a Chandelier Dangling Above the Likes of Justice Smith (Has an Electric-Type Pokémon, Can Access the Pink Opaque); Eisenberg Holding A Deck of Cards (Gambit Powers, Maybe?); Morgan Freeman and Woody Harrelson (Tricks Hidden in Their Hats); and Dominic Sessa, Ingenue Extraordinaire, with an Added Height Bonus. Crucially, these People are all masters of illusion, where the oters are haunted by delusion.
Winner: point
This is one of the tughest match-ups yet. If one woman must storm the other’s stairs to defects say in a boss battle, Both will face unique challenges. Kidman’s stairs are shruded in fog, slicked with Ice, SEEMINGLY STEEP, and have Dangerous polar-mushrooms sprouting from the bannisters. Pike’s Stairs, Howver, Are an an Mc Esher-Esque Illogical Maze, Full of Steep Drop-offs and Impossible Turns. Again: Rosamund pike is upside down. Fewer Environmental Threats, Howver, Becauses these stairs exist in a sterile Photoshop void?
Winner: point
That’s though pike is one of the foremost bob-havers, her hair actually goes a little past the shoulder here. Cut-and-Dry Category.
Winner: Kidman
Congratulations, Rosamund pike as Veronika Vanderberg. You’ve won this poster battle. But Can You Defeat Jesse Eisenberg Doing Card Tricks at You? I guess we’ll find out in theaters this november.
