Right Now, I’m the Default Parent but I Still Need You – ryan

The default parent. I didn’t know I was the default parent until I started reading about it on social media blog posts. I just thought I was the current favorite. You know, the one who gets all the good and all the exhausting from the kids first? The one who the kids run to when they get home from school. The one who gets woken up first at 2 a.m.

It was exciting to have a term for my role in the family. “Default parent” felt so justifying. which led me down the rabbit hole that is Google to find out what the opposite of the default parent was. My partner is incredibly involved just not as obviously involved as me, but that wasn’t by choice, which is where I discovered exactly who the opposite of a default parent is, it’s the “backup” parent.

At first, I didn’t love the term. Backup? Doesn’t that sound a little . . . not as good or second choice? Ooooh, second choice, yeah I guess that is kind of the current role of the non-default parent. The second choice but not a bad choice. I mean, isn’t the second-string quarterback still a quarterback? Maybe not your first choice but exactly who you would want coming into the game if the starter wasn’t around? Okay, enough sports metaphors. My purpose isn’t to compare the default and the backup but more to share that both roles are important and noticed. So this is a letter from the default parent to my teammate, the backup parent:

Hey, it’s me, the current default parent. As the default parent, I often find myself pouring my frustrations onto you. Mostly because I am tired and overwhelmed. Like when I am requested for bedtime with our toddler just to exit his room and quickly hurry into the baby’s room to soothe her cries without so much as a second to catch my breath, and you are sleeping away in our bed—the bed I won’t spend much time in most nights. With a baby on my hip, I push the toddler in the swing while you sit idly by sipping a drink next to my now warm beverage of choice. Or when I just finish getting food on everyone’s plates, and the second I sit down to eat, I am rushing one kid to the bathroom because he “needs” me to take him.

Yes, what they say about being the default parent is true—it is exhausting, but it is also a privilege and an honor. An honor that is often applauded and noticed. But, I want you to know I see you too.

I see the hurt in your eyes when our child picks me over you or when you initiate a special one-on-one activity just for them to ask for me to come with. I see the helplessness when you try rocking the baby back to sleep to no avail just for her cries to stop the second she hears my voice. I see the way your shoulders slump when our children run past you to get to me after we’ve both been gone overnight. I see you trying to mimic my actions or words in hopes of learning how to be the parent they choose. I see you and all that you do. And although I don’t know first hand, I do know that it is a defeating feeling.

So I want you to know that what you do does not go unnoticed, and I thank you for that. Thank you for cleaning the house while I do bathtime. Thank you for initiating activities despite the fear of rejection. Thank you for still tagging along, carrying the bags, packing the snacks, pushing the stroller, and taking the pictures even if it is sometimes from the sidelines. Thank you for tackling overnights or weekends on your own so I can get away for a bit even though we know it will be significantly harder when I am not around.

And most of all, thank you for never wavering in your support of me because you know that in this stage of life supporting me is the best way you can support your children. Like all stages of parenthood, this won’t last forever. Someday (probably very soon) I will be the one looking on as you get to be the default parent. Maybe when they are in school, they will need your help with homework. Or maybe when they are teenagers, they will think you’re the cool one. I can’t be sure, but I do know the default parent and the backup parent can switch roles pretty quickly and the best way to parent is to be a team regardless of the current role we each play.

So, current backup parent. I see you, and I thank you.

Love,
The default parent