Speak Up To Your Spouse – ryan

In the silence of the night, I could feel the fury take hold of me as I lay awake with our nocturnal child and glanced at the peacefully sleeping spouse next to us. That’s when I realized that motherhood shifts everything, but more so for only one of the partners.

Motherhood profoundly changes your life. From the first plus sign or the physical presence of a growing baby, you become forever altered as your body prepares you for pregnancy. Studies have shown that cells from a fetus can remain in a mother’s body for decades after childbirth, and in some cases, even change her DNA (Boddy et al., 2015; Chan et al., 2012). Our forever-altered DNA emphasizes how deeply motherhood can change you on a cellular level.

Yet, here my husband is sleeping peacefully not because he is lazy, but because he didn’t hear a peep. This resentment can seep into a marriage like a slow leak in a boat, eventually sinking the relationship.

At first, it goes unnoticed. Then if the leak is left unmanaged, it begins to overtake your boat, and without management, the leak will lead to capsizing. Careful attention to small leaks with small adjustments can be manageable. Mothers can feel this small leak forming but sometimes don’t know how to manage the resentment before it overtakes them.

Initially, I found it challenging to recognize this “leak.” My husband was incredibly supportive during those early months, yet I realized that the emotional weight of motherhood often fell more heavily on me. While his life continued relatively unchanged, my daily experiences became a whirlwind of breastfeeding, late-night feedings, and the constant mental load of childcare logistics. This imbalance can sometimes feel unfair, but it also opens a door for dialogue and teamwork.

If a mother is exclusively breastfeeding, getting up in the night, or adjusting to the new changes in her mental and physical body this can lead to an imbalance of emotional and physical responsibilities. In many states, fathers are still not guaranteed the same length of time as the mothers of new children. So regardless, if the father is willing, their work doesn’t permit the father to care for half of the child-rearing.

In conversations with friends, I noticed a common theme: many mothers felt the burden of arranging childcare alone. The logistics of tours, waitlists, and planning often fell on their shoulders. However, recognizing this tendency is the first step toward shared responsibility. By addressing these small leaks early, we can prevent them from growing into larger issues.

As I navigated my own challenges, I realized my husband was feeling undervalued too. By expressing how overwhelmed I felt and actively listening to his feelings, we began to bridge the gap. We developed a routine where he would bring our child to me for feedings, allowing me a little more rest before the next round. Together, we tackled tasks like cleaning bottles, investing in a bottle-cleaning machine to streamline the process. These small adjustments made a significant difference in our daily lives.

There was one thing he couldn’t do for me, something I had to process and accept on my own—that motherhood had changed me forever, down to the cellular level. While he had the luxury of choosing how much to change through his day-to-day decisions, my transformation was involuntary and total—both physically and mentally.

His life didn’t take the same 180-degree turn, not because of any fault of his, but simply due to the biological difference between mothers and fathers. Even now, when our toddler wakes up in the middle of the night, I have to nudge him awake because he doesn’t hear her the way I do. My body instinctively responds, attuned to her needs. Rather than letting it frustrate me, I just tap him in now.

Encourage your partner to take a proactive role to reduce your burden instead of waiting to be asked. This can go a long way in patching the leak. This allows both people in the partnership to take ownership of the problem and take action to repair the problem. Leaks will come and go. Intervene before the leak becomes unmanageable. Commit to regular check-ins to keep the relationship afloat.