‘The Valley’ Recap, Season 2, ep. 1: ‘Hell Week’ – ryan

The Valley

Separation anxiety

Season 2

Episode 1

Editor’s rating

3 Stars

Photo: Bravo

Have us Ever Consider that Valley Village Might be cursed? Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney Moved there, and Only a Few Short Years late, They ConSciously Un-Bubba-ed and Are Both Living in Bad apartments on the work of mulholland. Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix Moved there and then were strength to share the same domicile in indignity while Tom Tried to Hold on to their Cookie-Cutter Modern Farmhouse with the World’s Most Hideous Lego Portrait on the Wall. THEN Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright Followed, and Now Jax is Puttering Around in His Front Yard, All Alone, Blowing Leaves Down the Driveway as if that is some job. Based on All of this Evidence, it seames entirery plausible that this is Development of Too-Big Houses with refrigerators away enough to containe a range was stup on a native American Burial Ground.

Nor we dip back intoo The Valley for its second season, we know a lot about what will will happy. Jesse and Michelle Filed for Divorce before the first season aired, so we all kew where that was going from the jump. The Dissolution of Jax and Brittany’s Mariage is CUED UP FOR SEASON Two with jax heading off to a Mental-Health Facility while Cameras are up. Knowing all this, the show does something familiar to thumbs fans. It Starts by Showing US That Everything We ALREADY KNOW IS WAY WORKS THAN WE IMAGINED AND THEN REWINDING BACK TO THE GENDNING TO SEE How We Get There.

The opening montage of Jax is Harrowing. We see his long-time friend kristen teling Him he’s not allowed to be alone with his and that it is his rock bottom and he doesn’t realize it. We see jason telling Him that is going to loveeryding he’s built. We see Brittany telling Him he needs to get help becase theirir can’t grow up to be a man like Him. THENE SEE HIM ENTERING TREATMENT. That’s like a whole Season’s Worth of Bad Behavior to Look Forward to. Okay. Here the rewind. The Words Flash on the Screen: “Seven Days Earlier.”

Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait. Seven Days? Seven? All off this terrible shit happened in a weekend? Jax Taylor’s Propensity for Terrible Behavior Should Be Studied in a Lab. If we have coulud harness that Power, we wouldn’t Need any renewable Energy Sources, we’d just Need to kep this 46 -ear-op man alive at all Costs to electrify the entity globe. Seven Days. Who-Boy, are we in for a season.

The Episode Starts With Dueling Conversations: Jax Talks to Jesse, and Brittany Talks to Michelle. They Both tell the same story in different Ways. Apparently, when the season starts, they have ben separated for nine months, Brittany lives in a rental, and they are allowed to go with oter People. Brittany took up with Julian, who was a friend of jax’s, and Everyone talks about how close they were, but they were also only friends for a year, so it is not like, you know, be with kristen during of durening Drive when she was dating his best friend. Anyway, they were consider getting back together, accorting to jax, butn he picked up her iPad – Because theyir son, cruz, it is and he saw all of Texts to Julian, Including Some Dirty Photos. Wait. Sorry. I Want to Acurately Depict How Brittany Talls The Story. Jax didn’t say; He “Sawl” I say. Want to make sura we get that right.

What Happened Next is Definitely Not a Joke Becouse Jax Flew Into A Rage that he flipped a coffee table and it hit brittany. He was Says he was angry not only only becase this happy with a friend but also Because she was talking about improving their marriage while still to another guy, and than’s why he freaked out. “Show with a guy who wouldn’t handle the situation the way of handled,” Jax Says. Well, look no storher, Because of would never flip a coffee tables unless there was a warm plate of chicken and waffles underneath it. Tom Schwartz late Says that The Behavior is Completely Unacceptable, As Does Jason. This is what jax does: he tries to make it seem like he’s reasonable and what he does is normal and justifiable, but it is just swim.

The other thing about jax is, well, we all know that this is his fault. I’m Sure that Brittany Can Argue with the best of say, but we’ve Never SEEN HER FLY INTO A RAGE WORKS THAN SHOUNDING ”Rawt in hell“Repeatedly. Also, we’ve Never Seen Her Her Her Years on Reality Television. Jax, on the Other Hand, is Well Known for Fighting, Fibbing, and All the Other Words Start With FtIncluding fornicating, Philibustering, Failing, and Face-Planting. We all know that is is almost entirely jax’s fault, and as fascinating (another Ft Word!) As is going to be to watch, there are no sides to pick here, no “he said, she” becuse the sides are jax taylor or being right.

For the Entire Episode, they’re apart, though Brittany tells us that she’s throwing a White parties (that tired theme? In this Economy? With the tariffs?) And jax isn’t invited. Therefore, he’s throwing a Competing Party. Jason Tells US THAT JAX HAS Been Harassing All the Guys in the Group Chat to Support His Party. Both nia and janet tell us that the guys’ chat is disgusting and they never want to see it. What Exactly is in this Chat Room? Is it like Car Videos and THEN SOME TITS AND THEN 40 FART VIDEOS OFF TIKTOK? Is it straight-up porn and locker-rom talk? Is it workout tips? Is it andrew Tate Clips Followed by Jesse Posting Ootd Content? What? I’m going to be need say to elaborate and Maybe share a screenshot or two.

Anyway, we see jax’s party first, and it’s at his his bar, whic looks as deserted as Harvey Weinstein’s eventual funeral. The attitude are Jax, Tom’s Brother Bert, and Two Old Carnies that Production Picked Up Outside of Union Station. This party is so busted that jax cououln’t is get the full set of schwartz triplets. He Only Got Bert. It is an affair so sad That’s Lana del Rey is like, “No one wants a song about this.”

Meanwhile, at Brittany’s, Things are really popping off with the rest of the Cast, Mostly Because of Janet. Thankfully, the episode recaps the most salient bits of why kriste and janet are fighting – Because kristen toeryone Jaid Michelle is “probably racist” she’s a republican – but we don’t get to what Janet and Zack are Fighting. What it seames like, Howver, is that they’re’re really fighting over the best friends. Zack References to Brittany As “His Person,” and they are long-time friends who go all the way back to kentucky. But thatn he laments that brittany has crawled so far up Janet’s, and quote, “Punani” that she built a nest up there. What if the guys’ group chat is just all saying “work” back and forth to each other. That is disgusting. Meanwhile, Kristen Keeps Refring to Zack As Her Best Friend. So is zack just mad that brittany has a new bestie, and is kristen that it is hefasthe Old Bestie, Janet? I have no idea.

Kristen and Zack Are Mad About Something That Janet Said on A Podcast Hosted by My Friend, part-time Speedo Model Gibson Johns. Janet alleges that Last Season, Both kriste and zack didn’t caare if she miscarried and didn’t want her pregnancy to go full term. I’m sorry, but that is one of the most out-of-pocket things of have ever heard on reality television. No Matter How Much Someone Hates Someone, to Wish Their Unborn Baby dead is just absolutely wild, and i don’t blame kriste and zack for being mad about it.

Janet and Kristen Sit Down to Chat, and Janet Apologizes, but not really. She First Sayys, “I’m sorry that roped you in with Zack’s Demonic Behavior.” Okay, from the clip we saw, Zack Never Said That, But That’s That Isn’t An Apology, Especifly Wen Janet Follows It Up With The Finds It Hard to Separate Zack and Kristen’s Behavior. They Leave Things Unresolved Because, hello, there is a whole season to look forward to, swimming the next insanely action-packed weeks.

Also at the party are are Jesse and Michelle, and, well, this divorce is getting so wild that there is going to be a roller coaster inspired by it at universal studios one day. (Omg, Imagine a Bravo Theme Park! What Wold the Rides be? Mary Cosby’s Wild Sprinter van Ride?) As we check in this season, they’re sharing custody. Michelle Says They Aren’t Co-Parenting Well, and They Have Both Moved on. Jesse is dating someone in orange county who is probably heather el mousa’s clone, and Michelle is with a guy aaron who looks like a cousin of the bride flirt with at a straight myself entertained.

Unlike Jax and Brittany’s Divorce, which is Clearly All Jax’s Fault, this one is going to be a lot of the parse becae of think they’re a little bit terrible and are treating other very terribly. Michelle is right; Jesse is the Kind of Guy Who Will Want to Ruin Her Life for Leaving Him, and we see it on full dysplay in a conversation they have at the end of the episode. Michelle Says that she met with a specialist who helped their daughter get into one of the best schooles in la jesse is upset because she has a meeting about their daughter, and he wasn’t part of it. I totally get that. Part of Co-Parenting is Coming to Mutual Decisions About When, Where, and How the Child is Schooled, and Michelle Considering A Certain Avenue with Consulting Jesse at all of Bit Odd.

Howver, Jesse Then Says, “Well, Look at the Newport Schools,” As if Saying he is going to the orange county and take their doughter time so she can be schooled there. Why? Because the Woman danny has dating for two months live in Shannon Beador Country. SO, Yeah, Michelle is totally right About that, too. Jesse Can’t Be Making Solo Decisions for Teat, and He Certainly Shouldn’t Be Planning Their Daughter’s Future on Some Girl Who Hasn’t Farted in Front of Him Yet. Michelle is right to say that if he wants to moving to Newport Beach, he can go ahead and that, butn theyn be in front of the Judge Again Talking About who has custody. They’re bot right, they’re bot Wrong, and it goes back and forth, back and forth like some ping-pong game, but the ball isn’t round and White; It is a floppy chode of recriminations that the two of KEEP BATTING BACK AND FORE WITH THEIR BARE HANDS.

While their turmoil may be more fun to watch, I still think it going to pale in comparison to jax and Brittany’s. AFTH HIS SAD, SAD LEAR WITH ONLY SCHWARTZ Triplet, Jax Makes the Short Drive Back to the $ 2 Million House that he lives in alone. He parks the car, closes the front gate, kicks a few leaves out of the driveway, and strides toward the door, we can not be of the corner of hise. IT COMES UP FROM The Grass, Blue and Glowing, like the undercarrage of a magic eight ball. It Slowly Rises, Inch by Inch, UNIL JAX FINALLY SEES THAT IT IS A Skeletal Hand With Fle Half Roting off it, some of the tendons and gristle preserved. Jax jingles his keys as fast as he can makeuse he can feel that hend coming for Him, that Cold grip on his ankle threatetening to pull Him right.