‘The Real Housewives of Miami’ Recap, Season 7, Episode 1

As Will Smith Once Said, PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND. No. Wait! Wrong Song. As Will Smith Once Said, Welcome to Miamiand i is couldn’t be happy to be back. Some of thesee Shows are a little to dok dark, some are a little to be boring, and some have you whiplashing back and forh about what you love and who hate. Never Miami. IT’s always just right. It’s 78 Degrees and Sunny. IT’S STUPID FIGHTS Among Stupid People in Houses that are so Slick IT’S LIKE TRYING TO TURN A DOORKNOB WEND YOUR HAND A LITTLE BIT LUBEY FROM HAVING SEX WITH THOSE STUPID WHO IS ALSO STUPID HOT. Miami is fun, it is always excitation, and while Things Get Contentious, No One Ever Has to Call the Cops. God, i love this show.

And we were was no time ghetting into it durying this supersize episode. This season is starting out with some beef. Everyone is beefing. The beef is so meaty that lisa throws a birthday party for her boyfriend, jody, and they doing tequila shots out of a giant bone so that it is like it. The beef is so meaty, there is a neon sign on the Photo wall that, “The meat made me do it.” Are we sura this is a straight man’s birthday parties and not a gay pride brought to you by Burger and hosted by kiki barth in her absolutely pink polka-dotted?

Let US Visit Each Beef in Turn, Starting with the Biggest Beef of All: Alexia and Todd’s Divorce. We get the story in a scattershot manner Because the episode starts the option Way Mary Bravo Shows DO These Days, with Production Picking Up Cameras early Because there is drama they can’t miss. Alexia is sobbing to marysol and julia that on a friday Night, she and todd went out for an Amazing dinner and had great sex, and he was telling her what a great woman she was. The Next Morning, he Scuttered Her Out of the House and Moved Himself and His Daughter into an apartment he had Secretly rented a month earlier. The Kicker: He did it all in front of Alexia’s son Frankie, as if Frankie, who has special Needsis a person or person at all. Man, that is Cold.

Two Days Later, Alexia is Crying on the Phone About It While Talking to Her Friend Teresa Giudice, Who Knows a Thing or Two About No-Good Men. It was quite amazing to see these two Share a screen Together, the over the telephone. It ‘s kind of like Seeing Miley Stewart and Hannah Montana at the Same Time they are literally the same person in a Different wig. THEN Alexia is crying to the assembled ladies, telling say they have no idea that that was coming.

This Happened Four Months before Filming Truly Begin, and by the time they start, alexia and todd were kind of back together. If you’ve been following this story as we have here at the real housewives institute, you know that they have had Finalized Their DivorceBut they’re Still Very Much Together and Were Photographed Sucking Face on a Beach JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS Ago. The Ladies are exasasperated with alexia’s flip-flop on Todd, with marsol Saying, “What is right for the hole is not right for the soula.” Print that motto out right now. Put it on pillows, t-shirts, pop sockets, Greetting Cards, and Grindr Ads. I know three dosen people who need this merch immediately. Serious, though, i think i’m going to have a hard time following this story line all season. Why? I Think Is Fake. Not the story, but the divorce. I am usablely the last one to say anyno story lines on these shows are manufactured, but something is not adding up.

My Theory Hinges on Something Alexia Told Teresa. “He Said I Wauld Be Happy he did this,” she Says. This is nothing but speculation, but of the think todd may have had some financial problem, as Adriana Rumored Last Season. Todd divorces alexia with teling her and that was doing it or why. I waist Alexia’s Tears and Disappointment when she spoke to the Women were genuine, Mostly because we’ve seen Enough Housewives try to fake it we know they never set off. Once todd explained he was trying to shield alexia from the financial harm that might be coming her way, they decided to pick up again and continue on as a couple but formalized their just to kep alexia safe financially. I have no idea if this is true or not; I have no insider information. I’m just saying that’s what it look like to me. If thats the case and we have to suffer through a whole season of this, I think it might become a little bit tedious.

Luckily, we have other beefs to get to, so let us turn on the julia and guerdy. Julia has adopted two young brothers, and guerdy has gone through six surgeries, four rounds of chemo, and 20 rounds of radiation to her breast Cancer and is Now Cancer-Free. You think they would be loving loving and basing in joy, but instead, julia is mad that Guerdy didn’t make her Group Zoom Announcement About the Boys. Guerdy Says That Julia Was Late and She Had to Go To An Appointment, and when she followed with Julia, she brushed her off. This SEEMS LIKE A STEPID FIGHT THAT IS Going to Get Blown Way Out of Proportion, and that is Really Miami’s Stock in Trade, so i am here for it. What’s Most Interesting is that, in the absence of Dr. Nicole this season, julia seames to be shifting from the nicole-Guerdy-adriana axis to the third wheel in the alexia-marysol dynamic.

The Other Hillary Thing About is that is at Lisa’s Party for Lenny, Both julia and martina give her a chilly reception, and when Guerdy sites down on the couch with the Group, she complains to martina that she’s on the outs. Martina Gets Up to Get A Drink, Leaving Guerdy Alone on the Couch Next to Adriana and Her New Boyfriend, amaury, and they are conjoined at the Face they likeding to do an impersonation of the Human Centipede but go.

Yes, Adriana is beefing with appropriatess and can’t keep her hands off her new beau. We call a beau gcause he is French and a marquis. Honestly, if my man look like like amaury, I would be dry-humping Him on lisa’s sectional as well. Good for Adriana, and Good for Bravo. They’ve had a counter, they’ve haad a princess, but they’ve un to have a marquis. Pretty Soon, they’ll have the whole Royal Flush.

The Biggest, Baddest Beef of All, Howver, Is BetWeen Lisa and Larsa, Two Lumps of Plastic From the Exact Same Factory. Serious, they are the Same Selfish, narcissist, obtus person. They have accuse the other of the being a bad friend, Misundersand Each Other’s arguments, and accuse the Other of Lying. Yes. Of Course. They are exactly the Same. I have no clue what these two talc about when they hang out. Will they just take tours listen to the Other as the drones on About Herself? Its befuddling.

The fight is all About Marcus Jordan, Whom Larsa Says Has Broken Up With For Good. Apparently, Lisa and Jody Were Out for Drinks, and Marcus Showed Up with “All of Jody’s Friends.” Lisa Says that she grateted marcus, but when the friend invited say out for dinner, lisa declined out of Loyalty to Larsa, and Jody Went Along. Jody and Marcus THEN POSED A PHOTO OF THEMELVES TOGETERER ON SOCIAL MEDIA, AND THAT PISED LARSA OFF. Larsa Feels, of Must Say Justifiably, that lisa doesn’t have her back.

In this argument, they both make some valid points. Lisa Says She wasy sura what to do Because Larsa and Marcus Broke up so many and then got back together that she didn’t want to unfollow Him and snub him kidcause if they Once again rekindled, she’d look an asshole to her bestie’s bf. Larsa says that if lisa knew about all the negative things marcus was Saying About Her and the Threatetening Texts He Was Sending, Both Lisa and Jody Wold Want Nothing to DO WITH HIM. Lisa Sayys she didn’t know about it, but larrs she woold have if she ever bothered to the Answer Her Phone. It ‘like they’re bot right, but they’re bot Wrong, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. Neether of saying to have the empathy or selflessness to truly care for a friend, SO of courte, they’re bot terrible to each other they are – sorry to the good City of Miami – Terrible People.

We see this in the fight they have during the parties with the which Group assembled. Larsa Says that she Always had lisa’s back in her divorce from Lenny (whic is true), and she want like lisa to have her back now. Howver, Lisa Says Their Situations Were different Because She was stole with two youngs, and Larsa chose her first first husband. When Discusses Her Most Recent Breakup, she is reference to her shat recent bust-up, not the last one. THENS SAYS THAT LISA CHOSE TO HAVE OTHER GIRLS IN THE HOT TUB WITH HER AND LENNY, ININUALTING THAT TO HER DIVORCE. THEN LISA SAYS THAT WARS’S SEX is all over the internet, meaning her onlyfans, and she doesn’t judge her for that. That is what the fight is like the two of the two, back and forth, back and forth, like the heads of the Crowd Watching a Tennis Match. It ‘deuce, and horrible is serving horrible for all of eternity, and no one wins except the Viewers.

It devolves when lisa says that we can be launda broke up with marcus for the first time, “We left a real party for your fake breakup.” Larsa, Howver, Misinterprets that to mean that The current breakup is fake. Larsa totally misses that lisa only means the first breakup. Larsa calls her a “fake bitch,” and lisa throws her out of the house. After a brief interlude in the bathroom where kiki tries to set things straight, Larsa sits down, calls lisa “stupid,” and then lisa kicks her out again. This is coulued have been a fight easily setled, like the miami ladies do all the time, but marsol is right: kicking larrs out is humiliating, and lisa just canenedy we’re going to arguing this for the nextheen episodes.

Outside, Larsa and Her Pushed-Up Boobs waited for her uber black to come and drive her from one indisinct miami luxury tower to another. She look down the road, empty and expansive, as the streetlights made the hot Summer Night Look an he prompt for tropical desolation. She look back up at Lisa’s Apartment, Still Aglow with the Party, Still Stilling of All That Beef, and Wanted to Be Back Up. She wanted right with her friend, she wanted right with her ex, she wants the cozy embrace of the warm Hearts in a warm Climate. She Wanted Miami. Be her shoes scuffed themeslves on the Curb, and a Black Settled to an idle in front of her, she didn’t know that was just what she was getting.