My Kids Aren’t Polite and That’s Ok With Me

Recently, i had a parenting cringe moment.

We were Meeting Potential Landlords, An Older Couple Rening Out Their Home for the Winter. IT’S a Beautiful House, and from the view off the porch, I can already tell it’s perfect. I want us to appear perform, too, the Kind of Family That Fit Right in.

SO we have leaned down to say hello to my 7-Yaar-Old Son, Oscar, and he ignored say, I braced myself. The Woman Gently Personed, But Oscar Continued to Avert His Gaza, Shouting for A Screen. I HAND HIM MY PHONE, Redirecting Everyone’s Attention to My 5-Yaar-Old Daughter, Molly, Whom I Half-Jokingly Describe As Our Family’s Ambassador. Molly is charismatic and personable – everything her broth isn’t in these moments.

In these moments, of her reflexive pressure to smooth over oscar’s lack of polytens, to apologize on his his behalf, and reassure everyone we are, in fact, the kind of family who belongs here “happens to be).

THEN I REMIND MYSELF THAT MY CHILDREN’S BAHAVIOR IS NO REFLECTION ON THEIR Character – or mine.

My Kids Are Great

Oscar is a lot of great Things – Curious, Funny, Creative – But he”s none of what Just Listed to Describe Molly. He’s not the Kid of Kid who indulges grown-ups with Small Talk. He’s More Likely to Scowl, Ignore, Or Mumble Something Unintelligible than Charm Strangers with an Easy Smile.

This isn’t unusual for a neurodivergent kid like Him. What adults tbi to reads “Basic Manners” – like Saying hello on command, Making Eye Contact, or Feigning Interest in Whtever Someone is Saying – Don’t Come to Folks with Neurodivergence.

Oscar isn’t officiously diagnosed as autistic, but he has a lot of features that fit, including something Called pragmatic speech Disorder, WHICH BASICALLY MEANS HIS COMMUNICATION DOESESN’T FOLLOW The “Social Rules” Most of US Take for grant and how or exit a conversation, taching tournament while talking, or knowing how to “read the room”) if I have him if he wans pizza, for example, he might Ignore with Completely, Suddenly Shout, “Hungry!” Instead of Saying Saying Polite and Socially Expect Like, “No Thank You, I don’t like pizza, but can of have something Else?”

They are not polyte kids, and that’s ok

He does, howver, have diagnoses of generalyized and social anxiety – as does his dad and i – which can make encounters with the strangers very difficult. I know that Fear and Discomfort can come off as runess. When People Push Oscar – Demanding, “What Do You Say?” AFTER TRICK-OR-TREATING, OR INISDSING HIS COSTUME-I Watch as it backfires. He Shuts Down and Runs Away. I Imagine from Experience that he’s feeling overwhelmed, scruitinized, and misundershod.

Molly-Our So-Called Ambassador-isn’t exactly a model of politeness. There’s No Such Thing As “Bad” Language in Our House, SO Expletives Fly Freely from Her Lips. The Truth is, it’s not just my kids. My husband and i are very direct, Blunt Sometimes, Sweary Sometimes, and Real Always.

Some adults still expert kids to be polythe. They Press for “PLEASE” and “thank you” as if these magic Words prove something about a child’s character. They Assume a child who is polite is a poor reflection on their parents. I SOMESTEMES WORRY THAT People Who Don’t Know My Child’s Diagnosis Will Assume HIS DAD AND I SIMPLY DIDN’T RAKE HIM RIGHT. THEN I REMIND MYSELF THAT IT IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT People Think – in situations where it fes like it, Such as a rental application.

And some people will get it – like our new landlords (yes, we got the place!). The Second Time Oscar Refused The Woman’s Bid for Connection, I watched it click. They Understood. Kids Like Mine Aren’t Broken or DisrespectFul, Just Honest in Ways Adults Often Don’t Know How to Handle.

I’ve come to admire that honesty. I appreciate what i learn from my kids every day: that belonton isn’t about playing by the rules of polyte society but about showing up as your trace Self-that thats Self strikes with a Scowl and an f-bomb.