‘The Valley’ Recap, S2 EP. 11: ‘el coyote ugly’

The Valley

El coyote ugly

Season 2

Episode 11

Editor’s rating

3 Stars

***

The Women Scream at Each Other During Dinner while the guys right one step closer to jaining the manosphere.
Photo: Bravo

SOMESTEMES, WHEN WATCHING THE LATES MARVEL NONSENS or A MOVIE LIKE 28 Years late, Where you know the first movie is part of a planned trilogy, there is a small character, just a little blip, that stands out a little too. Maybe he’s played by a Famous person; Maybe he has some crazy facial disfiguration; Maybe He’s JUST SO WAKADOOODLE THAT HE JUST DOESN’T FIT IN WITH HIS SURROUNDings. What is, that Character makes you think, “Oh, he’s totally the villain in the Next Movie.” That is the exact vibe i get from Scott, Jesse’s “Life Coach,” who is insinuating himself into this show like the glitter out your child’s art Project has a way of insinuating itelf your butt crack. Yes, IT SEEms Small Now, But Just Wait. In three years, he is going to be running a cult that all the me are in, and janet is trying to find a deprogramming expert to get her husband back. (This Will Not Happen to Brock Because, for All of HIS ASSsets, he does not have a brain to be washed.)

At Scott’s Urging, Jesse Convenues a Men’s Group, WHICH IS LIKE 16 JOE ROGAN PODCASTS ROLLED INTO ONE AND SMELLS LIKE Lynx Lower Body Spray and Zyn. Scott Says they Need a Men’s Group Because Only Men Can Undersand What Other Men Are Going Through. Please. Have us not heard of empathy? Women understand What Men Are Going Through; they just think it’s bullshit and that men show the fuck up and try to live as a woman for the decetrate 30 seconds with their buckling, their and their toir heads, and their Blood Curdling unly’re just a pool of loose loose loor. Also, i am a man and don’t underestand what they they’re going through, so, um, yeah. (Speaking of which, Why was was zack invited to this dudes’ summit? Only Straights Count as Real Men, I guess.)

Scott Makes I say all “Circle up” and put their arms around each other like they’re about to play Basketball. At that moment, I realized what we were in for, and it was that that that men’s retreat where Teresa giudice’s husband, Luis Ruelas, Made that super embarrassing video With a Group of Grunting Shirtless Guys Standing Bebind Him. Scott tells the bros that if they have resentments Toward Each Other, It Comproise a List (insert Mother Leake “Okkkk” GIF), so to clear the list, they have to stand in front of that man (insert Mother Leaks “Rechails in Shock” GIF) and tell him his feelings while placing his hand on his chest (insert Mother Leaks “ITING WEIED” GIF). I know it is doing my reacting here, but i Physically gagged when scott to say what to do. Like, I Almost Barfed Up The Peanut Butter and Jelly on Toast I HAD FOR BREAKFAST WOHEN THIS PLAN CAME ONTO MY TELEVISION SCREEN. What’s the matter with men? Girl, i couldn’t tel you, but is not the way to fix it.

Most of this list clearing is of no consequence. Jesse Apologizes to Luke for Something That Happened A Year Ago, while Jason and Danny Apologize to Each Other and Immediately Fall into Forgoveness. Meanwhile, Jax Taylor tourns on the tears so crocodile-like that scheana shades to skin and make Him into a fake Birkin. Things Get a Little Interesting One All the Guys ACCUSE DANNY OF HIDING HIS DRINKING, WHICH he seames to copy. Howver, Scott Explains that did it becuse all men are sneaky and squirrelly. Um, is he su su Sure About that? Are we trusting a man who look like hears a knit beanie indoors in the summers? We’re not now Because and JUST Told US’S Sneaky and Squirrelly. Also, are we just going to let Him Excuse Danny’s Bad Behavior Becuses that is what all men would?

While the boys are at Jesse’s Being Slowly Introduced to the Manosphere, The Women are at El Coyote Having Dinner. It was Such a Weird Schene. They are all packed into one horseshoe-shaped booty with janet and michelle on one end and kristen and nia on the other end. Suddenly Janet is flopping around and spilling nonsense like one of Those Singing TROUT Your Hillbilly Uncle Has On His Wall. Michelle is upset Becusee she thinks kriste introded Jenna, The Weird Girl who used to date michelle’s boyfriend, Aaron, to the Group. It was Zack! We all saw it. We all know it. Zack is Eve Taching Credit for it. Why is she blaming kristen? I swear, this whole show is just People blaming others for starting rumors they didn’t start.

Janet Starts Screaming at Kristen for this Slight That Wasn’t Eve Her Doing; She’s Insists She’s Trying to Hold Kristen Accountable. Kristen storms out, and jasmine, in confessional, telt us that Janet is doing too. Thanks, Jasmine. Next, she’s going to tell us that is a ragg narcissist with substance abuse problems. What would we will without her?

Nia is played into the fray and starts crying, Saying it’s “Too Intense.” Janet tells hers she is always crying when it gets too interse and then blams nia for spraying the rumor that jasona wearing his wedding ring, a rumor that she has been already pinned on jasmine was kriste who starts it. This is just like a game of musical recriminations, but when the music stops, Everyone has a seat, but it is Somehow in the workg.

Later, at a totally unnecessary Field Day, Janet Says that is blamy nia and danny for the rumor Becuse kriste Spread it to defend. What? This lady makes no sense. Its not like nia and danny asced kriste to start this rumor in their defense; That’s JUST Kristen Being Kristen. That’s like getting ups at Luke when he wants to do a nitrous balloon in the parking lot of a phish concert. She’s SO Wrong. She’s more work than the coverp Brittany wears in hawaii, which neoheter covers her body is up.

Before we can get to the hawaii trip, there is some very important business to take care of. Luke has to drop his gecko off at Kyle Chan’s Becouse, of Course, the Jeweleer to the (reality) Stars Also Moonlights As a reptile babysitter. I do not need to come with a mean description for luke in this paragraph Becausee of think he and kyle did it all on their.

Brittany and Jax Are Also Supposed to Have a Sit-Down where they are talk about how they are going to co-parent. IT’S UNCLEAR How Long Jax Has Been Out of Rehab at This Point, but he still hasn’t seen his son. When Brittany is late, he accuses her of always being late in a way that thats just like it, “Women be shoppin ‘!” Thatn he calls her and finds out that is not atttending gcause she woke up to her dms full of photos of jax wasted at his night before and hanging out with girls. She Says he’i been gone to rehab for 30 days and hasn’t changed at all.

Jax Says that they’re separated and that Brittany doesn’t get to tell him what to do his free time anymore, and, ugh, hate to admit, but he’s right. Jax can hang out with all the girls he wants. Jax can invite say all over and eat say out one by one if he wants, not that he would be gcause i do’t think he has ever gone down on a woman. The point is, he could; She has no Say over the matter. The Drinking, Howver, is a Different Story. If he’s still regularly abusing Drugs and alcohol and Expects he’s going to be able to care for his unsumervised for days a time, that is Surely Brittany’s problem. She should have showed up to tell him that to his face, but it is still her problem.

THENE EVERONE (Except Jax, Thank the Catholic Jesus) is off to hawaii, where jesse gets upgraded to the presidential suite, only to find that has to share it with zack and benji, who won’t get out of the party shower. Most of the attention is initially on jason and janet and nia and danny, who had a little confab in the pool. Janet Starts by Apologizing for Yelling at Nia at the Girls’ Dinner and Says She Had Too Much to Drink. “That Early in the Evening?” Nia asks with an aggression so passive that every one of my English Neighbors showed a sign of Respect. They decide to move on with each other, and that janet thanks say for still invitting her trip, adding that she would have invited. Yeah, Janet. We know.

Then, ATTENTION TURNS TO JESSE AND AARON, Michelle’s Boyfriend, who has come on the trip. First of all, aaron is giving US body Tea on the Beach, so much tea that he’s going to have to put some honey in it, honey. Jesse is mad that aaron is dating a woman who is still his wiffe and hasn’t calmed Him, “As a man,” to say he’s spending a lot of time with his duoughter and ash he has any boundaries. I’m sorry, but that not the way this work. Jesse Should Communicate His Boundaries Regarding His Daughter and Her Relationship with Other Men in Michelle’s Life, and it is up to Michelle to decide or not she wills to enforce thinkaries. Jesse and Aaron do not have any relationship, as me or otherwise.

This is what jesse, scott, jax taylor, and all the rest of the People who are sue to fall under the spell of a man who sports an unmonic goatee fail to understand. Their Relationships with Each Other “As Men” are absolutely useless unless the will in their lives takeen care of. Sit Around and Clear Your Lists and Grab your balls and howl at the moon as you like, but i’ll tel you one thing, boys, none of you are as imported as you want, and none of you are in control you think.